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Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.

You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them.

To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.

Your preparation for the real world is not in the answers you’ve learned, but in the questions you’ve learned how to ask yourself.

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   Bill Watterson   

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Nothing will fulfill you if your own fulfillment is your ultimate goal.

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it’s been kind of a long, stressful, and lonely week. hopefully it’s unique in its nature in the time remaining in my conscious life. 

i suppose the foremost goal for my life this year is living in and enjoying the moment to the fullest. to be able to shut out every superfluous thought, every excess feeling or desire that interrupts and distracts; not dwelling on wondering how long this will last or dreading the ending, but gratitude for its having existed at all, treasuring everything about it. life is too short to wish things had been different. 

why, if it’s so good, is the simple life so damn hard? and why don’t more people WANT it? why do i feel like i’m fighting against a current in all areas of my life merely by BEING right now? i look to myself to find what i need to transform or purge and all i can sense is an empty black hole, a phone that’s been off the hook for days, a tv that only receives static. 

these dreams i’ve been having lately - past mistakes and events in my life, close enough to past reality to give me a sense of relief when i wake up - why now? why these events  - my summer at the farm, my experiences in church, my days in my parents’ house, every job i’ve ever had in one locality and accessible, like some sort of twisted personal job fair? why can’t i dream about things to come and truths i’ve read? why can’t i seem to wake up well rested for one godamm night of my life anymore, whether in the country with frogs singing and rain pattering, or in the city with semis trucking past at 2 am and the gas station lights shining directly in my window?

things will be fine. i know that. everything i have right now is worth enduring all of this. sometimes the light at the end just seems far away.

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Think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

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   kohlil gibran   

Dreamt last night of insanity - stuck in the same pattern as last summer - same person, same mistakes, same locality. The only difference being the year was 2013 instead of 2012. 

How is it so easy to come back full circle to negativity and apathy, even in sleeping hours?

It gave me a glimpse of how it could be again if I choose to let things slide and forge ahead as I usually would, instead of letting go (there’s a difference) and being diligent in my life day-to-day. 

I can see why some people don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. Life is hard. Relationships are tough. Money…is it ever NOT an issue? Health, patience, and personal time suffer, and stress and misunderstandings ensue. Well-meaning people offering advice resulting in doubt and second-guessing your choices, made because from your standpoint, they seem the best or the right one. 

I suppose the trick, in the end, is discovering which struggles, which paths, are worth it; which ones yield a stronger, enlightened you and which ones meander off into a dead-end or lead you right back to where you started. 

I believe the current against which I’m struggling is the former. I am willing to be patient and work hard to find out. These issues are not anything unique to any other human being (the nuances of every situation, maybe, but everyone has stress. Too much going on. Poor health, regressions, and makes mistakes from time to time).

We all just need to be willing to step back and let it happen. Take each day one at a time and enjoy each minute. Life is too short for waging war on everything that isn’t how it seems it should be. 

Pick your battles. 

I’ll start with insanity.