our wedding is 2 months away - as of today. my mind struggles to keep up with my heart in comprehending this great thing, but i think it’s finally catching up.
we’ve decided to write our own vows, and while i look forward to reading my heart and soul to him as evidence of that amazing passion and respect i have for him, every time i’ve tried to write out how i feel i’ve reached a standstill - not because i didn’t know what to say but because i did not know the how.
it took til this evening, watching my father rereading the love letters from my mother when they first set out on their rocky journey, and hear him break down and cry for a love that has been lost, berating himself for “driving her away.”
i wanted to tell him so many things. i still will. maybe someday, once the wound has healed and things have moved on to the quieter dramas of everyday. he needs to know that this is not punishment; nothing is ever anyONE’S fault. there are consequences for decisions, and where you put your love that is your life. mistakes are for making; they are also for learning.
i want my father to know that every parent regrets the anger and vices they pass on to their children. every parent is a terrible and a beautiful one.
i want him to know that i forgive him.
the past five days i’ve felt….off.
not just physically and mentally exhausted, but just….apathetic. numb. pessimistic. worried. in a fog.
i’m looking forward to the beginning of a new week, as i hope that this all passes soon. i want to feel like my old self - happy, energetic, excited for the rest of my life to unfold - rather than this monotone rise, garden chores, house chores, sleep, repeat.
i love my life. i’m thankful for it. i just don’t understand the general lack of enthusiasm or interest, with absolutely nothing to pinpoint as the reason for feeling this way. there’s no highs or lows, just a steady flatline of “um….eh.” i feel drugged, almost.
time to rise and repeat. i’ll just not fight this and hopefully it will ride itself out.
feels good to finally have some compost ready, rich with fat and juicy worms.
saturday date night = cemetery picnic and bacon-wrapped swordfish from the newest gastro-truck in town.
e’s read: game of thrones (book 3)
a’s read: east of eden
this morning i woke up and realized that within a few months, i’ll be able to call my best friend my husband.
it’s taking a little bit to sink in.