our wedding is 2 months away - as of today. my mind struggles to keep up with my heart in comprehending this great thing, but i think it’s finally catching up.
we’ve decided to write our own vows, and while i look forward to reading my heart and soul to him as evidence of that amazing passion and respect i have for him, every time i’ve tried to write out how i feel i’ve reached a standstill - not because i didn’t know what to say but because i did not know the how.
it took til this evening, watching my father rereading the love letters from my mother when they first set out on their rocky journey, and hear him break down and cry for a love that has been lost, berating himself for “driving her away.”
i wanted to tell him so many things. i still will. maybe someday, once the wound has healed and things have moved on to the quieter dramas of everyday. he needs to know that this is not punishment; nothing is ever anyONE’S fault. there are consequences for decisions, and where you put your love that is your life. mistakes are for making; they are also for learning.
i want my father to know that every parent regrets the anger and vices they pass on to their children. every parent is a terrible and a beautiful one.
i want him to know that i forgive him.
the past five days i’ve felt….off.
not just physically and mentally exhausted, but just….apathetic. numb. pessimistic. worried. in a fog.
i’m looking forward to the beginning of a new week, as i hope that this all passes soon. i want to feel like my old self - happy, energetic, excited for the rest of my life to unfold - rather than this monotone rise, garden chores, house chores, sleep, repeat.
i love my life. i’m thankful for it. i just don’t understand the general lack of enthusiasm or interest, with absolutely nothing to pinpoint as the reason for feeling this way. there’s no highs or lows, just a steady flatline of “um….eh.” i feel drugged, almost.
time to rise and repeat. i’ll just not fight this and hopefully it will ride itself out.
feels good to finally have some compost ready, rich with fat and juicy worms.
saturday date night = cemetery picnic and bacon-wrapped swordfish from the newest gastro-truck in town.
e’s read: game of thrones (book 3)
a’s read: east of eden
this morning i woke up and realized that within a few months, i’ll be able to call my best friend my husband.
it’s taking a little bit to sink in.
wedding planning is for the birds.
i understand the concept of this very important day in one’s life, and making it all about the memories and the hoards of people you’ve invited but i find myself constantly returning to my mental image of pure, simple ritual.
of course, it’s impossible to make everyone happy - throughout life, not just in the case of weddings - but the slight risk of offending someone has me wishing we’d just flit down to the courthouse and be done with it. we already FEEL married, why add the stress and frustration of housing out-of-town guests and family members and turning the house inside out just to cater to feelings?
with the rare exception of a few, the weddings i have attended have made me squirm in my seat and wonder when it’s socially acceptable to leave rather than beam with excitement and joy. my mind wanders to the decorations, the coordination, the music, the food at the reception, the bridal party outfits, the dress every girl is supposed to dream about her whole unmarried life. i am unable to concentrate on the vows being exchanged because my god-damn monkey-mind is adding up the time and money spent on making today be “just so.”
and why? WHY has this ceremony that society has dictated as normal and necessary grown so out of hand that brides turn into virtual monsters leading up to and day-of; families - willingly! - cough up thousands of dollars to impress attendees and ensure the day is pulled off as perfectly and expensively as possible? the fact that there are companies built on profiting from the stress and chaos that arise with planning a 300 - person wedding makes the actual ritual ring hollow and unsubstantial. it’s a beautiful cake, perfectly delicious with it’s delicate golden crust and a light dusting of powdered sugar, then someone came along and encased it in sticky mats of fondant and billowing icing roses and sprinkles and some figurines.
it’s a free world. people should be allowed a $30,000 wedding if they choose. the fact that it is considered strange or insensitive to limit the guest list, refrain from frantic over-planning, or deviate from the “traditional” ceremony is bullshit.
just my two cents, as i sit here “planning.” so far we’ve jotted down a loose order of (brief) ceremony and a tentative (brief) guest list.