the past five days i’ve felt….off.

not just physically and mentally exhausted, but just….apathetic. numb. pessimistic. worried. in a fog.

i’m looking forward to the beginning of a new week, as i hope that this all passes soon. i want to feel like my old self - happy, energetic, excited for the rest of my life to unfold - rather than this monotone rise, garden chores, house chores, sleep, repeat.

i love my life. i’m thankful for it. i just don’t understand the general lack of enthusiasm or interest, with absolutely nothing to pinpoint as the reason for feeling this way. there’s no highs or lows, just a steady flatline of “um….eh.” i feel drugged, almost.

time to rise and repeat. i’ll just not fight this and hopefully it will ride itself out.

[garden]

feels good to finally have some compost ready, rich with fat and juicy worms. 

www.livingasimplelife.com

saturday date night = cemetery picnic and bacon-wrapped swordfish from the newest gastro-truck in town.

e’s read: game of thrones (book 3)

a’s read: east of eden

 

this morning i woke up and realized that within a few months, i’ll be able to call my best friend my husband

it’s taking a little bit to sink in. 

[white wedding]

wedding planning is for the birds.

i understand the concept of this very important day in one’s life, and making it all about the memories and the hoards of people you’ve invited but i find myself constantly returning to my mental image of pure, simple ritual. 

of course, it’s impossible to make everyone happy - throughout life, not just in the case of weddings - but the slight risk of offending someone has me wishing we’d just flit down to the courthouse and be done with it. we already FEEL married, why add the stress and frustration of housing out-of-town guests and family members and turning the house inside out just to cater to feelings? 

with the rare exception of a few, the weddings i have attended have made me squirm in my seat and wonder when it’s socially acceptable to leave rather than beam with excitement and joy. my mind wanders to the decorations, the coordination, the music, the food at the reception, the bridal party outfits, the dress every girl is supposed to dream about her whole unmarried life. i am unable to concentrate on the vows being exchanged because my god-damn  monkey-mind is adding up the time and money spent on making today be “just so.”

and why? WHY has this ceremony that society has dictated as normal and necessary grown so out of hand that brides turn into virtual monsters leading up to and day-of; families - willingly! - cough up thousands of dollars to impress attendees and ensure the day is pulled off as perfectly and expensively as possible? the fact that there are companies built on profiting from the stress and chaos that arise with planning a 300 - person wedding makes the actual ritual ring hollow and unsubstantial. it’s a beautiful cake, perfectly delicious with it’s delicate golden crust and a light dusting of powdered sugar, then someone came along and encased it in sticky mats of fondant and billowing icing roses and sprinkles and some figurines.

it’s a free world. people should be allowed a $30,000 wedding if they choose. the fact that it is considered strange or insensitive to limit the guest list, refrain from frantic over-planning, or deviate from the “traditional” ceremony is bullshit.  

just my two cents, as i sit here “planning.” so far we’ve jotted down a loose order of (brief) ceremony and a tentative (brief) guest list. 

mazel tov.

[verisimilitude]

once life moves into full motion it’s trickier to find time for the small yet significant things, like drawing or crafts or updating my tumblr. it’s not that these things are unimportant - they are actually moments of peace and unawareness of self - but that they become far and few between the daycare runs, the meals, the housecleaning, the gardening, the jobs, the nigh’s we’re so tired we just fall asleep without even trying to read. the noise and hum of every day life is reassuring but the little reprieves - to step back, to listen - are as essential as the rest; they are the foundations of everything else.

simple. quiet. home. easy. family.

as we start to plan our “wedding” ceremony, these are the words we speak most often. a creek-side foot-washing. handwritten vows. potluck, with only our nearest and dearest. these are our goals, and we’re going to attempt to adhere ruthlessly. 

garden is somewhat in…the fence is up, but that has never stopped the slugs. e begins his new schedule at work (24 hrs a week) and as waylon shoots up like a weed he seems to change before our eyes. work on our newly acquired camper has come along nicely, and we expect my sister - our first “farm-hobo” - to be able to move in over the next few weeks. 

we were detained and questioned while strangers searched and documented our house a few weeks ago, and it’s taken a little while to regain the security that comes with the word HOME. i’m still on edge whenever i hear a car in the drive or clyde barks but the effects will lessen over time. the united states has brought good things along with it, but our word ‘freedom’ is a delusion. as to whether fighting back or remaining a blind sheep is the best answer i don’t know, in this day and age, ignorance about our government and the running of the machine  is almost inexcusable.

so. i live for moments like this anymore. who knows how long they’ll last? 

[puerto rico lo hace mejor]

[home is my favorite place]

e’s had a lot of work to do (even AFTER 50 hour weeks in denver) since we got back so i love when he’s able to take a break in the afternoons and take a walk with us. 

sunny, breezy, and balmy this afternoon, but our walk was frigid, cloudy, and downright blustery.

[denver, pt. 3]

industry.

[denver, pt. 2]

image

image

image

image

hiking in the mountains on a warm and sunny weekend.

[denver]

flying home today.

it’s been lovely getting to know a new place and new people. home is calling though, with waylon, and the woods, and our comfortable routines. 

i’m ready.

in other news…

Denver truly is the mile-high city now. legally.

we just celebrated at the health center on downing.

(e also got himself a schmancy new haircut…rawr)

on top of the 3 i’m already apart of, i’ve started a new blog, for food. 

for experiments. for pictures, for the general foodie nerd things that strike my fancy. 

so far, my cooking habit starts out with one recipe to provide a base, and then i creatively “riff” off of it, or make it pretty close to the recipe. the decision depends on taste and time, but mostly rides on what is in our fridge and pantry.

there’s so many food blogs out there. it seems a bit ridiculous. this is just another place for me to be creative and share, no matter who’s looking.